Speaking Out...

Yesterday I Cried....

2011-10-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

By: Iyanla Vanzant

Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.
I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.

I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired, or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected,
and disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others
did to me the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,
to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when
the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.
I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything that I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because...

Yesterday, I cried
with an agenda.

Beyonce Premieres New Video: Countdown

2011-10-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

"...Ladies, if you love your man show him you the fliest
Grind up on it, girl, show him how you ride it.."

My baby is a 10...We dressing to the 9...He pick me up at 8...Make me feel so lucky 7...He kiss me in his 6
We be making love at 5...Still the one I'm going 4...I'm tryna make us 3...From that 2...He's still the 1

Hip and catchy tunes that make you want to dance is what ultimately keeps self-proclaimed King Beyonce on our minds constantly! Even with the "Baby Bump" she still gives her loyal supporters exactly what they need.

Sporting a mod look and Audrey Hepburn bangs, the pregnant diva shakes and shimmies through a fast-paced array of costume changes and colorful sets. And yes, Beyonce does take a moment to show off her bump.

“It is important that I don't look at this as like an illness. I am not sick. I am the same woman and I have the same passions,” Beyonce told the Associated Press of her pregnancy. In “Countdown,” she proves she’s as fierce as ever.

Get More: Beyoncé, Music, More Music Videos

Are You the Kind of Man You Want?

2011-10-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

A few months back, I had the opportunity to engage in a conversation entitled, "Are You the Kind of Man You Want?" This has been an on-going question asked for years in many discussion groups where a high percentage of the audience has been single. You have those who answer yes or no to the question " would I date myself?" However, they continue to remain single...does that have something to do with the question or the person?

Besides personal preference and being attracted to what you are attracted there are still a lot of insecurities and trust issues among black gay men in America. It doesn't matter whether you're a Top, Bottom, Versatile, Masculine, Effeminate, Young or Seasoned. If you are still carrying baggage, still have a controlling personality, still find yourself being possessive, continue to be insecure or have low self-esteem; how can you honestly be the man you want?!

The question is simple, the answer is a lot harder when it come to meeting eye to eye with the question?

Living in the Present

2011-04-15T19:47:00.000-07:00

Some people spend their lives focussing on the past, wishing things weren’t changing and using their energy in an often futile effort to maintain the status quo. Others are so future orientated, dreaming, hoping, planning and wishing, that their present fades to grey. When they achieve great things they don’t stop to celebrate and enjoy the moment because they are already striving for the next goal.
For me it’s all about balance. Albert Einstein put it well when he said:
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”
As someone who tends to naturally look to the future I have learned to consciously move my attention to the present, more often. I want to relish it, be fully present for my children and live in the moment. One of the ways I do this is to take a leaf out of Einstein’s book and use questions – questions for the start of the day, the evening and at bed time.
Start of the day questions

What am I excited about today? What about that makes me excited?
How can I make the most of my unique skills and strengths today?
What can I do to make today the best day it can be?

Evening questions

What have I failed at today?
What didn’t go well today?
What did I learn today?

Bedtime questions

What were my successes today? What about that made it a success?
What am I proud of? What about that makes me feel proud?
What am I grateful for in my life right now?

For those of you who feel uncomfortable about the failure question. I learned about this from John Brubaker who tells the story of Sara Blakely, the CEO and founder of Spanx. Each week her father asked Sara and her siblings what they had failed miserably at that week. Not to punish them or bring them down. In fact he would slap them on the back and congratulate them when they put forward their failures. The reason was to teach them that failure is a normal and expected part of the process through which we find success. Actively looking for failures and facing up to them reduces our fears, builds our resilience, and helps us learn what we need to do in order to succeed.
Of course we can use these questions for ourselves, with our loved ones and also adapt them for our teams in order to value the present and positively shape our days and lives.

Do you tend to focus on the past, present or future?
Which of the questions resonates most with you?

From Julie Kay at www.developingleadersonline.com

Faith that isn't tested, isn't faith at all!

2010-10-11T09:09:00.001-07:00

This particular post has been in draft mode for sometime now. 13 months later it still applies today. I'm coming back soon

The last couple months have been absolutely wonderful for me. I graduated from college. Enrolled in a master's program, found love, lost love and now I'm starting the first day of my professional career! I'm excited that even though I've gone through some intense challenges that my GOD saw me through them ALL. There are many times in our lives when we face uncertain circumstances that get the best of us. But you must remember that God is the source of your strength and He IS the strength of your life.

A Reflection

2009-10-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

Growing up I never took the time to evaluate my life and how it has been shaped by the world around. I grew up in a Christian family that was your typical southern Bible belt household. I knew that Jesus Christ was the savior of the world and everyone that didn’t accept him would be damned eternally. I knew that the most important thing was your faith and my duty was to protect it against all who would reject it. I was taught how to communicate with my elders and peers alike, using Ma’am and Sir appropriately. My family taught me all the things I know about life and even those things that I have discarded have become the foundation of my life today!

Chapter 1 discusses how intercultural communication presents a challenge and in order to be effective in communication we must be able to meet that challenge. The writer could not be more truthful, as the world is becoming more international and global, learning to know your own voice and the echo can make you a viable asset in the ever changing world. Communication and culture are like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you can’t have one without the other. Hall goes on to say, “Culture is communication and communication is culture.” The statement makes much sense to me as culture teaches you how to communicate – what is appropriate or inappropriate - and once you learn the culture you are now able to communicate within the culture you belong. For me this statement is embodied in my formative queer years. Growing up in an environment that was not queer friendly, I wasn’t aware of the whole world that existed for queers, with its own language, nightlife, culture, worldview and various other enriching opportunities. I soon made friends with slightly older queer men who taught me the culture of the life I had embraced. It was such a drastic difference from what I had known the previous 19 years of my life. But it wasn’t a hard task, because it was finally me, and once I learned the culture I was able to communicate using jargon that was escapable to those not of that world. Just as the text states, this culture was a learned behavior, that was transmitted from one generation for the purposes of promoting individual and social survival, adaptation, growth and development. It has interesting to say the least, but now I am communicating my culture daily.

Chapter 2 discusses the deep structure of culture and the roots of reality. This brings up the question of why some people worship at a daily mass, some on Sunday at 10am or some on Saturday afternoon. These are things that happen like clockwork weekly, but we often just accept it as what people do and never question it or look below the surface to find out what motivates the action. But it’s these actions that make up a culture. The collective action of a culture reveals how they deal with issues surrounding God, nature and death. At the root of collective actions is the organization of people, family, community and religion are three influential organizations that guide a culture on how it should behave. It takes a combination of these organizations to define, create, transmit, maintain and reinforce the basic and most crucial elements of every culture and is very crucial in the lives of many today. For me the organization that has had the most influence is religion. Religion was the main rule that guided how I was raised, gave the guidelines for what is important and what I should strive for in order to live a productive life. Religion has given the ability to achieve goals that were out of reach for many before me. Religion has given me an understanding of where I stand in relation to the world and as a result has caused me to have a worldview totally different than my childhood rearing. The experience of a religious organization has been the foundation for any amount of “success” I have experienced and will continue to be that spring board to further achievement.

My community was essential in developing my identity early on in life, helping me to actualize my academic ability. This dubbed me as an intellectual in many circles, even the ones that were restricted to the “grown folk”. The interactions of the religious organization helped me to realize the role that I play in the collective and to identify what I am responsible for doing in order to sustain the legacy of what was handed to me through religion. I am able to see the importance in fostering relationships with those who are like-minded and identify with them based on several qualifiers that make up my cultural identity. Ultimately, my family has been the conduit for my understanding of religion to come to its current state. Through religion my family taught me how I am to function within the family unit and my responsibility as the oldest male child.

Chapter 3 discusses Worldview and Cultural Explanations of Life and Death. Worldview is the way people interpret reality and events, including images of themselves and how they relate to the world around them. Other definitions include, “Worldview is a culture’s orientation toward God, humanity, nature, questions of existence, the universe and cosmos, life, moral and ethical reasoning, suffering, death, and other philosophical issues that influence how its members perceive their world” (Ishii, Cooke, and Klopf). I really connect with the latter definition of worldview. It gives a more in depth understanding and truly outlines all the elements that affect someone’s worldview. When I came to college, my view on life had been shaped by my parent’s religious views and values, four years later I have come into my own worldview and it’s a stark contrast to what my foundation was. I have been able to reflect upon those things that mean the most to me and place them in my own perspective. My revelations are as follows: God is whatever you interpret him to be to you. “He” is not static like religion would have you to believe and is not concerned with all the rules and regulations that religious groups place upon its followers. Humanity has been created to do good in the world and to be responsible with the time they have been given on earth and to fulfill their destiny. We exist because there is a divine purpose that only we can accomplish no one else. We were not created to just live and die, but to contribute to life. The Universe is God and will speak to you if you listen.

There are multiple and competing versions of life. If you ever think that you are right and everyone else is wrong, you are wrong. Just think if the creator made clay figures and place one in a closet, one on the street, one on the window seal, one under the bed and one in the kitchen, they would all be from the creator but their experience would different based on their location. In the end they are still created by the creator and their version of life is authentic as anyone else’s. We must be able to have a double consciousness that allows us to be content with who we are and understand and appreciate the life of our brothers and sisters.

God Has Not Forgot

2009-09-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

Things are coming together. Finally coming together. I am on my way to WHOLENESS. Beyond obtaining materials, credentials and degrees, this has been my single goal.

Tonex: I Just Wanna Be Real with you

2009-09-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

I don't need to write any more than this. Watch and Discuss

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

In All Things Give Thanks?

2009-08-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

As I watched the coverage of Indonesia snubbed TREE MAN, I couldn't help but think of the things in life that I complain about constantly. Always worried about my weight, making sure that my exterior is presentable for the public. I never thought about there are people whose concerns are just about having a "normal" exterior experience. So today, I give thanks for the way things are in my life and thank the UNIVERSE for all of its goodness towards me.

Is Love REALLY Enough?

2009-08-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

As I listened to the Gayle King show on XM radio a while back an interesting topic got me thinking about "Reasons to Marry". As I held informal polls asking my friends and family for reasons to marry, without hesitation the number one response was LOVE! All of these people I happened to ask practiced Christianity if that has anything to do with there answer. I must add these persons are happily single or have been divorced Some variations were,

"It is better to marry than to burn" which is some reference to a biblical passage
Because you can NOT live without him/her

When I asked some leaders in the christian faith they responded in the following:

Both have a genuine love and care for each other
Both desire to serve each other
Both believe they can serve God better married than single
Both know it is God’s direction for them to marry and His blessing is upon their relationship and plans to marry
Both have explored and discussed issues where there is disagreement and can accept and live with the other person’s different perspectives
Both are sure this is the right time in their lives to commit to someone in a lifetime, legal marriage commitment
Both are approximately the same level of spiritual maturity

All these things seem to good indicators for a union. But has LOVE blinded us so much that we ignore the reality of what makes a marriage work. Undoubtedly FINANCES have caused many couples to end their marriage in DIVORCE!

What were you told about marriage and how has that shaped what a marriage should look like and what factors will ensure a successful and til death do us part union?

It Ain't Trickin If You Got it?

2009-08-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

Technology has changed the way we communicate and with whom we are able to do so. Since 2005 I have had a Facebook (fb) account and have met some pretty decent people and very interesting ones to say the least. But what I am about to recount to you was the first time I had encountered this type of offer, I must admit I was thrown for a loop initially, but the ambiguity of it all intrigued me. Thanks to the inquisitive nature I possess I had the opportunity to get into the mind of the person on the other end of the computer.

On July 30, 2009 as I sat at my desk watching the clock for 5:00pm, I received a friend request, I accept and this leads to a instant messaging conversation. Just to catch you up where this dialogues picks up. The user and I began general conversation and he mentions the idea of me making an excellent pimp and I immediately think that this is one of my friends playing a joke on me using a fake profile. But as I continue to ask questions as I evaluate the seriousness of the conversation, I find out this is not a joke and I was not being PUNK'D! This chat picks up with him telling me the definition/role of the PIMP and the HOE:

His Profile
Name: John Doe
Age: 36
Location: San Francisco, California
Occupation: Exotic Male Dancer

THE LIFE OF A HOE

Him:a hoe is an individual who sniffs out a person she or he wants to sell his or her ass for...unconditionally...and a pimp is he who would jump on the offer and guide the situation and take money...is that u?

Me: Oh no. I don't think so. My life path does not include that kind of enterprise

Him: i understand

Me: Are you serious or was this joke? or just convo?

Him: serious, very.

Me: Oh ok. I have seen these things played out in the media. But never have I come in contact with someone who was directly affiliated. Sounds like an interesting way of life though

Him: it is. if u get in the right hands and hook up with the right people

Me: So you on FB trying to expand your "pimpen" network? if so how do you find qualified prospects?

Him:i usually find work as a dancer on FB

Me: you dance for men/women or both?

Him: men

Me: so you were looking for a pimp or you are pimp for male, female, both?

Him: i love pimps lamar

Me: So you are considered the hoe? I am trying to follow as best I can this convo is very intriguing are you going to post pics soon?

Him:yes....like... any second now...

Me: so do you have a pimp now? and how long have you been in the business?

Him: i do nt have a pimp now. I've been in it for three years

Me: what led you to it?

Him:my bets friend

Me:so the pimp just collects the money you make and provides you a sense of stability?

Him: yes thats right, its a head fuck, thats all it is, man, its about head fucking

Me: What do you look for in a pimp?

Him: someone who understands that a hoe must be put in his place, always working, always fucking, always busy, always thinkin bout that dolluh, thats what i look for in a pimp, someone who will not let me rest, someone who will constantly get in my head about the nature of a hoe
someone who will provide that work for me, man, someone who will NEVER let me live down, my reputation of being a hoe, someone who will NEVER let me go, man, ever someone who will let me know they OWN me and they aint lettin me go and that i aint nothin but a good ass hoe period thats what i look for in a pimp

Me: I'm just lost for words right now, trying to digest all of this. But good luck in finding your pimp...keep me updated...

In my quest to live a very non-judgmental life, I think I handled this situation very well, without being condescending or frowning at the way he decides to make a living. Is it acceptable for the "Honest Working People" to sit in the seat of judgment?

Henry Louis Gates Jr ARRESTED!

2009-07-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

This Post was written by Elizabeth Gates the daughter of Henry Louis Gates Jr. on www.thedailybeast.com

In Wednesday's press conference, President Obama called the Cambridge Police Department "stupid" for arresting Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. Daughter Elizabeth Gates interviews her dad about what happened to him in jail, how this affects whites too, and why she shouldn’t give up on America yet.

Earlier this week, my father was wrongly accused of breaking into his own home. We had just returned from China, and he had flown from New York to Boston to prepare for a few days rest on Martha’s Vineyard. As my father was settling in, a police officer named Sgt. James Crowley showed up at his home.

Sgt. Crowley said he was responding to a call from a woman who described two black men breaking into her neighbors’ home with backpacks on. He demanded to see proof of residency and my father showed him both his Harvard ID and his state ID without hesitation. Shortly afterward, a miscommunication ensued, and my father was handcuffed and taken to jail. Our family is both saddened and outraged at this, and as I watched his mug shot scroll across various news stations last night, I couldn’t help but wonder what he was experiencing.

He was there investigating? He should have gotten out of there and said, “I’m sorry, sir, good luck. Loved your PBS series—check with you later!”

Daddy, how did it feel to read in the police report that although you had been cooperative with Sgt. Crowley, while he was standing uninvited in your home, your behavior had been reduced to “loud and tumultuous” after asking to see to his badge? Were you surprised at the inaccuracy of the police report?

Well, the police report was an act of pure fiction. One designed to protect him, Sgt. Crowley, from unethical behavior. I was astonished at the audacity of the lies in the police report, and almost the whole thing from start to finish was just pure fabrication. So yes, I felt violated all over again.

When Touré quoted Malcolm X in his piece for The Daily Beast and wrote, “What do you call a black man with a PhD? A nigger,” did you agree with that statement? I mean, will education still be our eventual leveling point?

No, I think the actions of Sgt. Crowley aren’t the actions of everyone on the Cambridge police force or all white people in Cambridge or Boston or in the United States. I mean, there are bad white people and bad black people. There are good police officers and bad police offers. We depend on the police—I’m glad that this lady called 911. I hope right now if someone is breaking into my house she’s calling 911 and the police will come! I just don’t want to be arrested for being black at home! I think this was a bit of an extreme reaction.

So you do think this was reduced to race? You do think this was purely racially motivated—that when he came into your home uninvited and didn’t read you your Miranda rights and he didn’t follow procedure?

No, when I was arrested I was not read my Miranda rights. I clearly was arrested as a vindictive act, an act of spite. I think Sgt. Crowley was angry that I didn’t follow his initial orders—his demand—his order—to step outside my house because I was protected as long as I was in the house because he didn’t have a warrant. I think what he really wanted to do was throw me down and put handcuffs on me because he was terrified that I could be dangerous to him and that I was causing violence in my own home—though obviously he didn’t know it was my home.

If I had been white this incident never would have happened. He would have asked at the door, “Excuse me, are you okay? Because there are two black men around here try’na rob you [laughter] and I think he also violated the rules by not giving his name and badge number, and I think he would have given that to one of my white colleagues or one of my white neighbors. So race definitely played a role. Whether he’s an individual racist? I don’t know—I don’t know him. But I think he stereotyped me.

And that’s what racial profiling is all about. I was cast by him in a narrative and he didn’t know how to get out of it, and then when I demanded—which I did—his name and badge number, I think he just got really angry. And he knew that he had to give me that, and his police report lies and says he gave it to me. If he had done that I would have simply taken it down and wrote a report! I was definitely going to file a report, now—just not as big as the one I’m about to file!

So since it’s clear this happens every day to minorities everywhere who don’t have representation, who like yourself previously believed in the justice system, what can we do as a community to make sure that our world starts to place value on all people of color—not only the exception, as you have been referred to so often during this ordeal?

I think its incumbent upon me to not let it drop—not to sweep it under the carpet—but to use this as a teaching event for the Cambridge police and police in general and for black people—don’t step out of your house. Don’t step onto that porch! You’re vulnerable. And second? To teach the police about the history of racism, what racism is. Sgt. Crowley found it outrageous that I was demanding his name? I mean, excuse me? Whose house was he in? Hello?

Yeah.

My house. I mean, he was there investigating? He should have gotten out of there and said, “I’m sorry, sir, good luck. Loved your PBS series—check with you later!” [laughter from both of us] If he would have given me his card I would have sent him a DVD! [more laughter]

But you’ve always taught my sister Maggie and me to stay on the right side of the law. Did this challenge your perception of what side that really is? Or are we always going to have to humble ourselves to this humiliating degree?

No. I believe in the law. I think we have a great system of justice. But I do think that system of justice has been corrupted by racism and classism. I think it’s difficult for “poor people”—poor white people, brown people—to be treated fairly before the law in the same way that upper-class people are. I mean listen, Liza. I was lucky. I could have been in there all night with as few as three other prisoners. What if I had been anonymous and in some other place? It’s scary, man. That’s why we have to fight through organizations such as the NAACP defense fund, on whose board I sit—we have to fight for equal rights for all people. It’s beyond race, it’s class and race! And that’s crucial.

There’s been so much talk about Black America moving into a “Post-Black Era.” What do you think it will take to actually achieve that? I mean, is it possible?

The only people who live in a post-black world are four people who live in a little white house on Pennsylvania Avenue. [laughter] The idea that America is post-racial or post-black because a man I admire, Barack Obama, is president of the United States, is a joke. And I hope no one will even wonder about this crazy fiction again. I am proud of the American people for electing the best candidate who happened to be a black man and that’s a great historical precedent in the United States, but America is just as classist and just as racist as it was the day before the election—and we all, to quote my friend Cornel West, “are recovering racists,” and we all have to fight those tendencies. In America there is institutional racism that we all inherit and participate in, like breathing the air in this room—and we have to become sensitive to it.

If this had happened to you before Maggie and I were born, would your ideals and what you’ve taught us have changed?

No! The ideals stay the same. America has already been founded on great ideals. Listen, Liza. America is the greatest nation ever founded. The ideals are the greatest ever espoused in human history, and we just need the country to live up to them. But what I worry about are the 1 million black men in the prison system…

Yes.

…How they got there. Will they ever get out. The whole prison system is designed to dehumanize you. From the time you get in they take your belt off—they strip you of your identity. They put you in with other criminals in a claustrophobic cell—I mean, you don’t have a shot. It’s like the door shuts and boom: you’re dead. They’ve given you a new identity; they’ve stripped your identity as a person and given you a new identity as a prisoner and that is horrifying. I didn’t realize it until I experienced it. I was astonished, you know? Your cell phone doesn’t work and they set it up that way. It’s cold, man.

I realize.

If I didn’t have the money? I mean, where would I get the money? They said, “We know you have the 40 dollars because we went through your wallet.”

No.

Oh yeah

I’m sorry, Daddy.

Me too.

Elizabeth Gates is a graduate of The New School University, where she cultivated her love for fashion and writing. A former intern at Vogue Magazine, her interest in image, art and fashion has driven her desire to contribute to the vast narrative of modern culture in America and abroad.

Mom, 555-Pound Son Found In Baltimore: Neglect Or Just Fat Gene

2009-07-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

GREENVILLE COUNTY, S.C. -- A mother and her 555-pound son who fled South Carolina after the state planned to take the 14-year-old boy into protective custody were found hundreds of miles from their home on Thursday.

Alexander Draper and his mother, Jerri Gray, were found parked near a Laundromat in Baltimore, Md., by Baltimore County sheriff’s deputies at about 4:30 p.m.
Draper was checked at the scene by emergency medical services and was turned over to the Maryland Department of Social Services. Investigators will work with them to have him returned to the Department of Social Services in South Carolina.

Gray was taken into custody and will be held in Baltimore until extradition to South Carolina.
According to the Department of Social Services, Gray was supposed to appear in family court with the boy on Tuesday, but they did not show up. Draper was to be taken into protective custody in South Carolina after officials determined that he was considered to be at a critical stage of health risk.

"There have been some opportunities that have come along for him to participate in some treatment programs and things such as that, and it's my understanding, that for whatever reason, he's not allowed to take part in those treatment programs," said Greenville County Lt. Shea Smith.

At the hearing, Draper was ordered into the custody of the state due to medical neglect and Gray's failure to appear in court. When officers went to take the boy from the home, they found that he and his mother had left the home on Goodwin Bridge Road in Travelers Rest.

"The understanding was that the individual was of the weight where it was decided by medical authorities that he needed treatment that he wasn't being provided for by his mother," said Matthew Armstrong, of the Greenville County Sheriff's Office.

Gray is charged with one count of custodial interference.

What are your thoughts about this situation? Should the mother be held responsible. Is Healthcare Access a factor in the excessive weight of this teen?

Will Thou Be Made Whole? Pt. 1

2009-07-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

This post was also written 2 years ago and I never published it...enjoy

My life has taught me that everyone has a sad story to tell. It has also allowed me know that I must not dwell on the disdain I hold for past experiences. I knew that I was to move forward with life I would have to just block out all of the horrible situations I encountered at such a premature age. Blocking, as a coping mechanism seemed to work pretty well. I graduated from High School and in five months will from college.

Now that I am at a point where I am focusing on building a foundation for my future I believe that all the trauma has taken on a new form and has been infiltrating areas of my life unbeknown to me.

My life started off pretty normal, I could always remember having 2 parents and 3 at one period in my life. All of my needs and wants were readily supplied but things began to change. My parents married young and produced me. When I was two they divorced and I lived with my mom and my step-dad until I was 13. Through a series of interaction with a step-dad and dad who had no skills of what it meant to foster a positive relationship with another human and serve as a support for all the growing pains that accompany child rearing.

>>>>>>>>>>>FAST FORWARD>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

After coming through a turbulent childhood I am a success, externally. Internally, I am a MESS! As I stumble upon the completion of long-term goals, I am faced with what to do next? You go to school all of your life to be educated and become refined. With years of education behind me I am still a bit muddled in matters of life and the heart.

For some time I have noticed my stint with relationships (familial, romantic and general) had gone sour. I began to do some self evaluation and I realized that although I succeed in the building my professional career and relationships, my personal life is still in its infancy. How is it that I can thrive in one area of my life and completely suck in other areas! I think we call it transferable skills in the world of work...why am I having the most trouble transferring those skills to my personal life.

So I have enlisted the help of a Clinical Counselor to work through these challenges. It took a lot in me to walk into the office and request service. Although I refer several people to clinical counseling and help them understand that seeing a psychologist doesn't make you strange or CRAZY as the culture of Black America would lead you to believe.

Through these sessions I hope to work the following skeletons from my closet:

Understanding the extent of effect of my father's absence
Finding and removing guilt that I do not own
Anything Lurking that I am unaware
Restoring Trust to my family
Trusting People Genuinely

This is something that I never imagined I would be doing, I have always seemed to have it together, but I guess this is what makes you human, understanding that you are not as wonderful as everyone thinks.

Thanks for reading...

I Need This Red Shirt In My Life....

2009-07-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

The Shirt in this video is absolutely a must have....if you know where I can find the exact shirt or its twin please let me know. Oh yeah, this is also Chris Brown apologizing for his actions. I wonder if he is saving face and trying to salvage his career, No wait, nothing really happened to his career as my generation does not take much offense to domestic violence.

But even this isn't enough to satisfy all the people in the world who wanted him to receive a harsher punishment.

Brings the White Back to the Wedding Dress?

2009-07-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

If you are trying the whole Secondary Virginity thing, this product should help you complete the process by giving you that "Just Like NEW!" feel. And if you have too much experience, this will give you the reset you have been looking for. Capitalism is going wild!

2009-07-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

I did not know that this video was available, but this song has connected with me in such a way, regardless of my status as relentless supporter of all things Beyonce. As I was writing a post tonight, a college buddy made mention of the video and this song really changed the perspective of the post I was writing about is My Past repeating itself.

The essence of the post which is to follow soon just talks about the idea of being in a situation that you love to hate. I attempt to self evaluate and diagnose myself, we will see what comes of that. Until then enjoy the artistry of the artist.

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

Beyonce: Beautiful Nightmare

2009-07-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

I was kinda anxioius for this video to come out. I hoped that it would have some heavy production. At first I was thinking, "here she goes with this 3 girl routine, single ladies all over AGAIN!" However as much as she is loving that concept, this presentation was much better and all I could do was smile with satisfaction....Time for me to learn these new moves!

CHECK IT OUT BELOW

Is Beyonce setting herself up to be an ICON or is she loosing her grip.

British Gay Jesus Video: Comedy or Truth?

2009-07-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

A comedian created “Was Jesus Gay?” as a comedy video, but most of it makes good sense to me as a lesbian Christian.

The popular video was made by Pat Condell, an English comedian and outspoken atheist. His online video monologues of what he calls “godless comedy” have gotten more than 15 million hits. “Was Jesus Gay?” has nearly half a million views.

I started watching Condell’s gay Jesus video without knowing that it was intended as comedy. I thought he was a serious church leader, and kept wondering, “Why haven’t I heard of this theologian before?!”

The video begins with some well-deserved barbs against the Church for mistreating gays. Then Condell states, “I’ve heard it suggested from some people that Christians are so irrationally obsessed with this subject because deep down they’re terrified that Jesus himself might have been gay.”

He talks about how Jesus spent the night with a naked youth in the Secret Gospel of Mark. He speculates about what John meant when he called himself “the one who Jesus especially loved.” He also discusses Jesus’ heterosexual marriage in some of the other Gnostic gospels. All these theories about Jesus’ relationships are common topics of serious study by queer scholars.

My favorite part of the video is when Condell asks, “If somebody could prove historically beyond all doubt that Jesus was in fact homosexual, would Christians then reject Jesus or would they reject the evidence -- as usual?”

Good question.

_______
Cross-posted at the Jesus in Love Blog by Kittredge Cherry, lesbian Christian author and editor of the Jesus in Love Newsletter on GLBT spirituality and the arts.

Pearls of Wisdom from the Buddhist Community

2009-07-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

Believe nothing on the faith of traditions, even though they have been held in honor for many generations and in diverse places.

Do not believe a thing because many people speak of it. Do not believe on the faith of the sages of the past. Do not believe what you yourself have imagined, persuading yourself that a God inspires you.Believe nothing on the sole authority of your masters and priests.

After examination, believe what you yourself have tested and found to be reasonable, and conform your conduct thereto.

-Buddha

College Hill Atlanta Castmate Bares it ALL!

2009-07-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot about this small twitter fiasco involving BET College Hill Atlanta Cast Member Dorian. Throughout the season he sexuality was always on trial...for some the jury is still out, but when I saw Mrs. Thing there was no need to hold court.

Apparently his is sooo famous that someone wanted access to this twitter account or he did this as a publicity stunt, I think he wants to be a model. So he decided to keep penis pictures stored in hit twitter account. Come on people have we NOT learned anything! If you can't password protect the pictures then don't save them!

Check out the pics here

What do you think about this

About Me...

2009-07-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

I Reckon It's time to OPEN up....

Birthday: 12/23
Birthplace: Fayetteville, NC

Current Location: Home at my desk

Eye Color: Dk. brown
Hair Color: black
Height: 5'11"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: I always get this messed up...African American/Black
The Shoes You Wore Today: Rainbow
Your Weakness: Attention
Your Fears: Repeating History

Your Perfect Pizza: ALLL Meat!

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Graduate and Get accepted to Graduate School

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: OMG
Thoughts First Waking Up: 5 more minutes
Your Best Physical Feature: My eyes

Your Bedtime: when ever the eyes close
Your Most Missed Memory: Playing in the village with my family
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King
Single or Group Dates: Group
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton Ice Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino
Do you Swear: mos def
Do you Sing: of course I sing
Do you Shower Daily: if I am going out YES…if not then I save water and soap…
Have you Been in Love: Yes
Do you want to go to College: I am in college

Do you want to get Married: HELL YES!!!
Do you believe in yourself: Heck Yeah!
Do you get Motion Sickness: No
Do you think you are Attractive: Yes
Are you a Health Freak: somewhat
Do you get along with your Parents: Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes
Do you play an Instrument: No
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes
In the past month have you Smoked: No
In the past month have you been on Drugs: No
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No
In the past month have you been on Stage: Yes
In the past month have you been Dumped: No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: No
Ever been Drunk: Nope
Ever been called a Tease: No
Ever been Beaten up: No
Ever Shoplifted: Yes
How do you want to Die: In my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: A Chancellor or President of a University

What country would you most like to Visit: Japan
Number of Drugs I have taken: 0
Number of CDs I own: 700+
Number of Piercings: two
Number of Tattoos: none
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Don't have any regrets…

In a Man
Favorite Eye Color: Dk. Brown
Short or Long Hair: either
Height, Tall or Short? Tall
Physique you like -Muscular, Athletic, Slender, a Few Extra Pounds, Large, Obese: Athletic or Slender
Hairy or smooth? Smooth

Take the Quiz!

It's A Celebration, BITCHES

2009-06-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

In 2005 as I had began my undergraduate career at North Carolina A&T State University, I was the new kid on the block and the target for the gentleman pictured to the left. Entering into a new environment can be a daunting experience in itself, but to become a target is another thing. But all in all life has its way to target you for GREATNESS. For the purposes of keeping his identity covert for those who don't already know him, I will call him Sean.

Sean and I met on the most awkward of terms. I the new guy and he the clout bearing senior. He strides into the office to break up the scene and have all pay their homage to his GREATNESS. So in the ultimate Sean fashion he says, "Who is the new boy, (looks at me and says) You must not know who I am." I reply, " should i know who you are?" He laughs and pays the conversation announcing to the office staff to make me aware of him and begans to list his credentials.

Every since that point we have been in close contact and the sort of mentor/mentee relationship. I have watched him grow and develop and take and a higher level of personal responsibility and maturity. I was fortunate to be around after he was crowned as the first, Mr. Black North Carolina, going on to earn 2 Undergraduate Degrees and begin to realize his life goals. Today, well it was today when this post was originally started, a new chapter for Sean begins. He can tell you from experience, "sometimes the road we wish to take has a detour, don't panic, follow the detour and eventually you will get to your destination."

Sean, as you go on to achieve goals, experience a brief discomfort for a worthwhile investment, know that I am proud of you! You are going to do great and effect change in the lives of many. Thank you for all the field training you have provided that has made me the bitch you so lovingly call me! I am appreciative of our friendship and the confidence I can place in you.

Congratulations and sorry this is posting soo late.....

Lamar Perez

Beyonce Does Greensboro Part Two

2009-06-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

For the rest of the Haters.....

Beyonce's Background Singers....THE MAMA'S!

Beyonce Sings Happy Birthday!

Beyonce Does Greensboro Part One

2009-06-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

So of course I went to the Beyonce Concert when she came to my city. Check out some footage from the concert. Say what you will about Beyonce, I enjoyed her thoroughly and would have paid more for those tickets. Hate on B, Haters....Hate on. But enjoy the clips while you HATe...lol

LIVE - Smash Into You

LIVE - Ava Maria Pt.1

LIVE - Ava Maria Pt.2

Invisible for the last time

2009-06-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am writing a post about my interactions with the men in my life and I heard this song a while ago on some MTV reality show...lol... but it really resonates with where I am in my life in this moment...No more standing in the back of the line....I'm invisible for the very last time.... ENJOY

Invisible Lyrics
Jennifer Hudson

Oh, oh
Seems like I’m not here
It’s like I don’t mean nothing
Like glass, I’m clear
Almost like you can see straight through me
(I’ve got questions, but no answers)
So tired of being confused
And I don’t wanna stay right here and die
Gotta find my wing s to fly

I gotta find me another way
‘Cause I don’t wanna stay another day
Time for a change in my life
I’ve opened my eyes
I’m changing my life
And now I’m gonna live my life for me
‘Cause this ain’t how it’s supposed to be
No more standing in the back of the line
‘Cause I’m invisible for the last time

Why can’t you see me?
Do I really even matter?
[ Jennifer Hudson Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
You changed me completely
And I remember how it used to be
(I’ve got questions, what’s the lesson)
I’m tired of being confused and now
I’m gonna take my chance and fly
I’m taking back my life

I gotta find me another way
‘Cause I don’t wanna stay another day
Time for a change in my life
I’ve opened my eyes
I’m changing my life
And now I’m gonna live my life for me
‘Cause this ain’t how it’s supposed to be
No more standing in the back of the line
‘Cause I’m invisible for the last time

This can’t be it for me
This can’t be all I’m meant for
And no more time wasting this life

Sometimes Confidence Isn't Enough

2009-06-19T16:25:00.000-07:00

So I am watching the TV Guide Channel and American Idol Rewind is on.....

Oh but there's more.....

Intellectual posting will resume later...lol

Moving on...

2009-06-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

Socrates said, " The unexamined life is not worth living". I have found this to be true for the current state of my life. You come to a point when what you think you know is constantly being tested, reputed and upgraded to a higher-level of consciousness.

Coming to grips with my truth can be alienating, but I must follow my truth, with everything I possess. If I don't I will begin to live a lie. Last night I encountered my truth and second-guessed it because of the potential of being excluded from a community I have grown up with all of my life. But the Gods allowed me to read gayte keepers post and gave me the inspiration to m ove forward.

No matter how frightening change feels to me, I must go with it. Yes it's gonna be scary and I don't know what to expect, but I must press on. It's gonna be different, because I'm pursuing a different goal.

"I am wise because I acknowledge that I know nothing." -Socrates

College Hill: Keysha is Back!

2009-05-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

College Hill Miami: Keysha a.k.a Kyle is BACK!

When this season of College Hill premiered, I knew it was going to going to be some major TEA! Let me count the reasons why:

Kyle is a Queen
Kyle is a Queen
Kyle is a Queen

Oh yeah, did I mention KYLE, the QUEEN?

As the season began we met the stereotype of the black gay man in America. Low self-esteem, Katty, superficial, attack or be attacked, loud, the entertainment for the straights and fag hags, Life out of balance, probably bad family history, but deep down inside beyond all of the hardcore and very offensive exterior, a good person.

Are the Gays Damaged Beyond Repair?

2009-05-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

This post was supposed to celebrate the KeKe, that Mr. Kyle a.k.a Keysha gave the people tonight, however, a deeper issue is deriving from this episode. I can't shake the feeling that something is cancerous within the gay community specifically the gay youth . I can't quite put my finger on the root issue but I want to expose what I see and maybe a think tank can arise from this open thread.

---------------

I am writing from an objective stance as I have not participated in this expression of the black, gay male in America. For the purposes of this post youth is defined as those who exhibit a lack of maturity in daily life interactions, living superficial, shallow lives encamped in a bubble of negative energy.

Our gay youth are going astray. As I watched College Hill I got my keke for the night, but my spirit man was awakened to a deeper issue that is often hidden by the flashy and zealous lifestyle of black gay youth. If you are not familiar with Kyle (College Hill Miami Cast Member) take a moment to view this video. For Kyle represents the stereotypical expression of a black gay man, and a reason the discussion and/or the acknowledgment of one's orientation is often stunted, simply by what "being gay" has become associated with.

Since I can remember, any action that faintly resembled femininity, rewarded you with the taunt of fag, homo, sissy, queer and all of the other demeaning remarks evil children can imagine. The relentlessness of the harassment is bewildering and although many were able to come THROUGH, the scars left by words although buried deep will guide the future of this growing young man. Sometimes these scars are incurred from family members. I experienced this type of anguish in addition to the hassle from classmates. My step father came from nothing materially or emotionally, gained material wealth later in life, remaining void emotionally. From the age of two he was the "father" I knew but later in life things would definitely change. As I began to excel in my studies and praised by my instructors, he began to see my minimal grade school success as a threat to his adult life. With the support of everyone I continued to excel and receive innumerable awards that recognized my "academically gifted" mind.

As I grew older, I became more like my mother due to the vast amount of time we spent together, going to church, going to church, going to church, youth leagues, my singing engagements, speaking engagements and other things that filled my time. I was coming into my own and starting to feel out who I was, I quickly became a popular kid with the adults mostly and all noted my skills and abilities, however, on the home front, support was lacking from "dad". He became jealous of the relationship mom and I shared, and was intent on breaking us apart and my spirit whenever he had the chance.

My freshman year in high school, I became the most popular student among my peers, even those who called me vicious names were now making allies and befriending me. My involvement increased exponentially and I was free to be who I was, with the support of Mom, only. This support is crucial for the youth. It's hard enough living in a world whose ideals generate from being part of the group instead of individual expression and appreciation of diversity. My mom has always (except for one occasion) allowed me to express my individuality and no one dared to say anything, at least not in earshot range! Parents must take the time to validate a child's emotional truth and teach them that is o.k. for you to be expressive and not repressive. The confidence and affirmation I received allowed me to be comfortable in my own skin and I did not seek other routes for attention and affirmation in questionable and risky activities.

In the black gay community, especially in the south (VA,NC,GA, FL etc) the same gender loving (sgl) mentors, committed partners are nearly impossible to identify. It's like the red and white elephant in the room that no one wants to discuss. We can identify each other through key terms and phrases, making eye contact and all other ridiculous forms of communication which keeps us bound like a freed slave. I must admit, even as a church boy all my life it's definitely taken a lot to come to a place where I could reconcile my faith and my sexuality. I did it on my own without a mentor to help me through one of the hardest times, but I am thankful for it. Although, when I think about it, I wonder if my heterosexual siblings encountered the same battles as I. Did they have to ask themselves similar questions?

I can't write it all in one post, so let me end this with a call to action.

If you are a adult black gay male/female reader I'm talking to you!

You have a RESPONSIBILITY to
BE a mentor and role model to our youth, not forgetting where you you came from and how you got to where you are now. You must always look back to see if you can help those who are transitioning through the very same place.

You MUST be compassionate, AFFIRMING, passionate and selfless!
WE must cultivate the future and leave our legacy behind. No one will remember you when you are six feet deep, unless you have had IMPACT on a life.

You will be the TEACHER and the STUDENT. The youth have much to teach, and you must acknowledge this. You are a mentor and a role model and you already know this, whether you like it or not. People look up to you. Don't shun your responsibility.

Thank you for reading. Don't forget to follow me, subscribe and comment. Thanks for the love thus far.

Beyonce: Somebody's Getting Fired

2009-05-09T02:35:00.000-07:00

Watch below as Sasha Fierce give someone the pink slip and stayed on beat!

Beyonce went all diva during her show last night in Rotterdam, Holland and fired somebody for not turning the right lights on at the right time!! Listen around the 6 second mark!

For real B? In front of the WHOLE WORLD? GANGSTA.

No He Didn't!

2009-05-08T23:35:00.000-07:00

Recently Bow Wow has been the center of the LGBT news after commenting that he did not want a gay man to cut his hair.

Although the response has been very swift and varied in opinions take a look at a response that is sure to give you keke!

This video comes from the Hodge Twins, who were featured on www.loldarian.com a few months ago. Get into this video below as they respond to Bow Wow's open admission of homophobia.

Morehouse President Speaks Out About Homophobia

2009-05-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

Morehouse College President Speaks about Homophobia

If you haven't heard about it yet, take some time to check out the speech given by Morehouse College's president, Robert M. Franklin, at a student town hall.

A full transcript of the speech on the HBCU+HRC Blog (http://voicetruthhbcu.blogspot.com/)! Also, the speech was mentioned in the opinion section of the Washington Post. You can find that article here: http://tinyurl.com/db2bax

My First Cup of Tea...Enjoy

2009-05-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

"LAMAR PEREZ"

How You Dewin! I'm Here....You're Sooo Kind!

This is what you have ALLLL been subconsciously waiting for. Sweet Tea is a staple of the south and a $1 at McDonalds, but my TEA is only available here. After following the blogs of several bloggers like Adamsweblog, ShawnQT, CoreyKeith, Living Out Loud with Darian, YBandDL , I am stepping out and hope that I dont burst my ASS. With your love and support I will be here until it all falls down.

So hold on for the ride, follow me, comment, send some luv, invite me to dinner and be nice to me...lol. Looking for mentors in the blogosphere....